No excuses. The world is spinning and twirling and I'm flying high. Last performance of the play tonight. It has been such an incredible ride. This play has seen me crawl from depths of an unexpected despair; shed some drama, some weight, some bitter scars. My heart is new and full and as courageous as fuck. Everyone loves me, and I love me too....like WHAT!
This week and next all the jobs are finally coming through. Spent a few days shadowing at a daycare. It's kinda unsettling how easily little babies will accept you as an authority figure and will immediately seek your approval and love. They are SO impressionable!! It would be a wondrous responsibility to have them in my guard, and actually I did just that. I could do it; I could handle it. Still waiting for the final word, but as far as I'm concerned I've proved myself to myself, to God (who already knew), to the world. Funny, I suspect the world may be just as impressionable as those little babies. It will believe anything about you, that you believe. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
My daughter had another little breakdown after too much upheaval from her normal routine of waking up to find me there. She admitted she does not yet believe we Love her; she still thinks we may toss her aside someday. Ha! Like God smiling down on his children, inside I smile even while I soothe her pain, because I know how false it is. She will never lose me, and I will never let her go. In my arms, she will ALWAYS fit. But of course, I pray she will realize this Truth, just as I pray to realize the Truth of God's Love for me. Nurturing and Patience are the seeds of Possibility.
I am the only African in the play. All along, this fact has been a non-issue, because of the wonderful and welcoming way the cast has treated me. But on stage, feeling the audiences' confusion at my presence-hell at my perfection in the role, I feeling my skin is on fire with their projected marvel. I feel isolated in my blackness-a feeling I have not had to experience in many years. But the secondary result of this is even more startling. My mother herself, who knew I was the only black person in the play, said it was not until she saw the performance that she realized that I am an anomaly in singular racial casting. I am not the token; I am the Lead. She could not believe the pride she felt, and those sentiments have been explicitly echoed by other Africans; they have stayed behind to thank me in reverent and sincere tones. Shall I write my Oscar speech now? No, of course not; but the ironic reality of living this Expat African life can be so apparent in moments such as these, you feel as if you have slipped back to a time that is usually reserved for the stage.
I am also full of pride. My Love that Got Away (what a lovely term, yeah? I've never known what to call him until I saw this on someone else's blog.) has embarked on a month long road trip with his daughter. This is something he has been wanting to do for so long, and its occurrence represents so many grand achievements within him. Though I only know all this from stalking, as I am not currently accepted into his life, I cannot help but to feel so damn proud. You go daddy! I am there with you. The last time he threw himself out over the ledge like this, he fell right into my arms, then I fell in Love. God knows what He's doing with this one and that is all I can say about that.
Dear God, You're so cool!......