June 20, 2012
A stroke of luck makes the empty space shine brighter.
I remember how when I wrote this I purposefully did not say good or bad, though at the time I was referring to good luck. The whole point of it was that in any case, the movement, the presence of positive energy will reveal hidden secrets in the empty space around it-if you know how to look.
I can't imagine what must be going through miss A.C's heart for her to hurt someone she has loved and trusted and been loved by for so many years. After the news about her father, she felt she had to spend Christmas with the family she stayed with, but the next day she came out to my house and lay in my bed while my mother an I cooked quietly in the kitchen. When she came out to eat, she knew she didn't have to put on a good face, or say much of anything at all; she knew she was safe.
And now, with her absence in my life, there is a pain in my heart made of wondering if anyone I ever get close to will eventually run away from me. She is not the only one, this is true.
It's funny how, in order to be a better, healthier person, so much of my adult life has been dedicated to healing old wounds, some are apparent, but many are like this pain, just raw tragic questioning. What am I worth? On the one hand I have an organization that is willing to put thousands of dollars behind my predicted contribution as an employee, on the other I have a friend who has been longing to be rid of me. One stroke of good luck and one stroke of bad; Where should I look? Which part has the message of value that I should hold on to? It is possible it is somehow the same message?
The empty space shines brighter.....but what does it say? Am I safe?